Peace in the chaos

I have had a strong faith in God for as long as I can remember. I remember being a little girl and lying in bed at night praying that God would watch over people and asking God to give me strength to get through certain things. I also remember always having a "Why me, God, why?" attitude for as long as I can remember. After about two decades worth of events and situations that have built-up my "Why me?" mantra, I realized it had created a seemingly insurmountable wall between myself and God. I still had a relationship of sorts with Him, but I was so bitter and angry that it was eating me up and I had become someone I didn't like very much.

Then my brother started talking to me about Buddhism. He had a lot of interesting things to say and being the inquisitive person that I am, I felt the need to investigate. What I found was an amazing philosophy that made me completely re-think my faith and my outlook upon my relationship with God. I first checked out http://www.buddhaweb.org/index.html and by reading the core concepts of Buddhism as stated on this site, my whole perspective on my relationship with God transformed. Here are the Noble Truths that they state:

1. Suffering exists
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path

There are also things that keep us from experiencing true freedom:

Things that slow us down and restrict our freedom

1. Self-delusion
2. Doubt
3. Clinging to Ritual
4. Sensuous Lust
5. Ill Will
6. Greed for Fine Material Existence
7. Greed for Immaterial Existence
8. Conceit
9. Restlessness
10. Ignorance

From this I realized (although I don't know why I didn't think of it this way before) that everyone suffers. No one is immune, not even those who I think lead perfect lives. I realized that my suffering (Why me?) stemmed from my attachment to desires (my desire to have children, my desire to have the job I think I need to have, my desire to make the amount of money I think I need, etc.) and that those things are what constructed the wall that stood between myself and God. So I started meditating/praying every time one of these desires came into my mind. At first it was really difficult and I was in a constant state of praying/meditating. But then it eventually became easier and I was able to detach myself from those desires. Now, they still do enter my mind, but when they do, I go back to my prayer/meditation until it subsides.

Then there is the Noble Eightfold Path which teaches how to free yourself from the suffering caused by your desires. The Noble Eightfold Path states:

Three Qualities	Eightfold Path
Wisdom (panna)	Right View
	Right Thought
Morality (sila)	Right Speech
	Right Action
	Right Livelihood
Meditation (samadhi)	Right Effort
	Right Mindfulness
	Right Contemplation

This path is so in line with how we are biblically called to live that for some reason, seeing it laid out like this is just clicked with me. I mean, focus on having the right view and right thoughts, live with speech and actions that will support the mindset that you want, live a healthy mental, spiritual, and physical life, be mindful and thoughtful in your daily life and put forth effort to be whole and true.

There is so much more to it and I don't want to just continue to copy the web site. I highly recommend everyone check it out. Basically, though, it just really made me realize how I had made myself a prisoner of my own suffering and that God had given me free will for a reason and as a result, I had the will to choose if I wanted my desires, my sadness, my disappointments to control me or if I was going to take control over them. It made me realize that God was not the source of my suffering, but rather my own selfish desires were. So my attitude went from "Why me, God?" to "Why not me?" and I turned inward to find that faith that I had had as a child that believed fully in God's great power and go back to that. I know that God is bigger than me and anything that can ever happen to me and I know that no matter what, God will always take care of me. I may lose my home, suffer losses of loved ones, have health issues, be unemployed, and many other things, but no matter how severe the situation, I CHOOSE what to do with that situation. God is there with me, but I CHOOSE how to react to the situation and how I let it shape who I am. Once I started making healthier spiritual choices, and started fully having faith in the power and strength and love of God, my suffering began to disappear. Now, I won't pretend that I never get down anymore and that life is all roses now, but I am so much happier, healthier and positive now. My blood pressure has even gone down significantly and since I started this whole way of thinking, I was able to become pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby girl which I was told may never happen because of my fertility issues! I live my life now, knowing that I'm doing all that I can, I'm trying to make the right choices and that has to be good enough. I cannot do any more than I currently am if I am giving it my best. I let that be enough to give me peace and trust God with what I cannot do. The love and peace and calm that I feel now is indescribable and has lead to me having more patience with my daughters and having more grace when it comes to dealing with other people. Life is not perfect, but it is peaceful and my faith is strong and that's all I need.